paperdaisy

SONNET I
Your memory is in the air around me, waiting
to fill my lungs with fire and suffocate me
and although it kills me, you go on hating.
It becomes ever clearer, that you won’t ever see.
Your memory is but a shadow on the wall
fading slowly with the setting of a blazen sun.
There is but one thing I could do to end it all.
Just simply forget. Easier said than done.
Your memory is like a picture in paint.
Hazy up close, but from afar so clear and fine.
In the grand scheme, my name is at the bottom, faint.
A possible solution which no one can simply design.
So eagerly, so quickly, I try again in vain.
And perhaps it is so, I really do like the pain.

SONNET II
After all our second chances, I have died inside.
I know that it is far worse to live with the pain
than to fight for another place in which to hide.
After all these years, there’s nothing left to gain.
For all the times I’ve tried to make amends,
I want you to listen just this one last time.
All I ever wanted was for us to be friends
And this time I mean it, I won’t spend another dime.

One day perhaps you will realize I am gone,
You may search for the friend that you have now lost.
From the thoughts of you, I have finally withdrawn.
That soft summer’s dew has matured into frost.
And perhaps, in some distant life, I shall still miss you,
Next time, I promise, it will be your pleas I’ll be deaf to.

SONNET III
Act now, or loose me forever. This is your last chance.
Tonight I move from town to town, from the past to the present.
I will leave this place forever, without a backwards glance.
As much as you would like to keep me here, I must make the ascent.
I tried so much, for so long, but you pushed me away.
The charisma you had back then, has faded and I see your hate.
I have chosen a pre-emptive strike, and this time keep you at bay.
I’m sorry I couldn’t see the hatred you so clearly abate
After so many years, I have given up. Forgive me.
I could not make you stay, I could not make you care.
I could only fail, I could not make you see,
Know that I’m sorry for the letters I had to tear.
I think this was not a complete waste of time.
but don’t do the time if you didn’t do the crime.

SONNET IV
To the one man who’s job it was to protect me
To protect me from the misery of your death, you failed.
I miss you so much, more than anyone an ever see.
Even long after your hands and feet have been nailed.
To nurture me, and raise me. Your abundance was fair.
All that is left of you, is the memories I keep.
To speak of the loss of you, I don’t ever dare.
I simply lay in bed at night, and over your life, I weep.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, you know how I tried.
In the end, my love for you just wasn’t enough.
All I really remember are the tears that I’ve cried.
I see how you fought, and I know you were tough.
Though I rarely let on, you were not all bad.
I hope you are at peace, dear old great dad.

SONNET V
The silver lining of that dismal grey cloud
That has failed to rain like the rest
I differ from those others who play so proud
To be like the masses, I am far from best.
The world that has rejected me like cancer
Has so readily embraced in haste.
I fear I shall never know the answer.
A life-long journey is such a waste.
The raindrops which pelt against my skin
Beat me in numbers, each and every one
Is you. And here I thought you were my kin.
Turns out you just needed some fun.
The sky has become the color of a bruise.
I am that last thread of dignity which you abuse.

SONNET VI
I failed to keep my sanity
I thought it would be the last to leave.
And what is left is the opposite of vanity.
And to that, it is to my miserable life I cleave.
I could never fly or soar to space,
I could not even sink to mud and rot.
Yet you never could look into my face
And see me for me, not for what I am not.

The mouse in the maze that cannot break free
For in the maze of a mind, is the loss of the self.
I can never be who you want me to be,
For I cannot satisfy the expectations I have made for myself.
I failed to live up to your expectations of me
You failed to perceive and read me.

SONNET VII
You failed to pick up the pieces of what’s left of me
And yet those pieces never did fit well enough for you
As I lay in jagged shards that only you can see,
My moments to glisten and shine were few.
While you masqueraded and hid yourself in shades of red
I fell behind in muted shades of black and white.
You know, I never could forget the things that you said
You never came when I needed you most that night.

And though I try and try, I still manage to fail in your eyes.
You have failed me repeatedly to date,
Look forward to your future demise,
You shall forever be a slave to fate.
And never shall I put my trust in anyone again.
I’ll cower from the sun and flourish in the rain.

SONNET VIII
I failed to release my bandaged heart into your talons and claws.
I will no longer succumb and find place in your sympathy
I will no longer fall into your acknowledged flaws.
All that’s left between us is you fabricated empathy.
My tortured mind has found you guilty of treason.
And for you who judges me by what was not my fault.
You searched through sand until you found your reason.
You searched until you found that invisible grain of salt.
The needle in the haystack, you have finally found
Which was easier found than I thought. In the end
of my flesh you took much more than your measured pound.
You took so much more, while I was on the mend.
And you see this is my reason, I can no longer call you friend.
Who has failed whom? How can I tell in the end?

SONNET IX
I kept your secret safe, I did not share
The secret you risked your life to keep.
Like the lily, trembling in the hot summer’s air,
It shall not break, it shall not weep.
Your secret Eden, hidden in layers of your lies
I failed to falter; I failed to tell the secret of your life.
When times got tough, I simply closed my eyes.
What’s left between us both is incumbent strife.
The secrets of your soul are all to which you can cleave.
The ring you kept around your neck, a ball and chain.
No longer do you wear your heart on your sleeve
And no longer do you delight in hot summer rain.
When even together we both feel alone, sitting face to face
two halves without wholes, two lives at one nonexistent pace.